clarity

i did end up going to hang out with my friend and her son yesterday, which really helped take me away from the anxiety that i was feeling.

this morning i woke up angry. yesterday i did end up telling B that i needed space that day. i was still feeling beat up from the counseling session so i really did not want to add anything else on top of that. i did ask to connect with him via a phone call at night and it didn’t go quite as planned.

i think i want someone who is consistent. and this can show up in many ways. when B was showing up all the time wanting connection, he had so much patience. i told him on every occasion that i appreciated his patience. i noticed several times that could have been met with his usual impatience but it wasn’t, so i wanted to let him know. yesterday when we were talking on the phone, i was just sharing everything that came to my head. [side bar: he has asked me before to share what’s going on for me, no matter how poorly formed the thoughts were in my head.] i was talking about my day with D & L and how it’s interesting how kids develop. I had a thought that came into my head about another kid i knew, and he had problems with understanding the connection. on my end, i was just practicing sharing what was in my head, which was how a particular kid was being raised. but in his mind, the connection was unclear and he was becoming impatient trying to find the connection to understand. eventually i moved on from it and started talking about my conversation with the mortgage broker. he was telling me about his thoughts on the risk in investing in real estate nowadays with a potential crash in the market, and i started thinking about whether there has been a crash in the past or that it’s gone up exponentially. again, we had incongruencies with what we were talking about and he became impatient again. he did not understand how what i was saying was matching what he was saying. it became painful because the experience for me is that he is battling me and is very short, whereas all i wanted was connection.

it then began a discussion about what i wanted when i asked for the phone call. he asked if i just wanted to list items in my day and that was connection. it was late and i definitely know now that i did not want to spend my energy sorting out my thoughts so that he could understand it 100%. i told him several times that talking to the mortgage broker is just exploring my options so i don’t have any clear opinions or even enough information to form any unambiguous thoughts.

this forces me to get a little bit more clarity on what i want in a relationship. oh i also still have frustration about the last counseling session and feeling beat up from it. i feel like B was prepared and already knew what the counselor wanted to hear, whether he already discussed it in the past or because he discussed it with his personal counselor. so when he came to the session, he was well prepared with his thoughts whereas i just had a lot of hazy thoughts that i had not yet sorted. after feeling like i lost the battle, i have this need to prove myself, to have well-defined thoughts so they can’t beat me up again. i’m not sure if this is healthy or if i’m just trying to prove myself for a greater need, but it’s how i feel right now. i still feel like i’m outmatched but at least i’m willing to fight.

back to clarity. i think reliability and consistency is important to me in a relationship. i think i want to know that i can count on my partner. in our case, i think i want a consistent level of patience. i don’t like that it’s seemingly up to chance whether he will meet me with loving patience or tense impatience. i understand that people aren’t going to be the same all the time, but i think it feels like large swings. when i get large swings, i feel loved by the connection, and in opposition by the disconnection.

well if anything it feels good that i am sorting these thoughts out.

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just get up

i woke up feeling awful. i think mostly because i stayed up so late doing shit that i shouldn’t have been doing. it took me an hour to get out of bed but i did. i have plans at 10 and i don’t want to bail as much as i really want to just hide and just feel sorry for myself.

i don’t want anyone to bother me yet i can’t seem to just tell B i need space today. maybe it’s all about feeling sorry for myself and i want others to too. it’s not healthy.

the hazy mind

Today I felt overwhelmed. Here’s a look into what’s floating around in my mind:

  • What’s going on with me and B’s relationship? I realized today I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. Not only that, I don’t think I’ve ever known. We had our first counseling session in over a month and I left it feeling so defeated. It doesn’t mean I want to stop trying but I felt like I was kicked around a few times. It was them vs. me. I kept pulling myself back up but it hurt. And hurt. It’s been just over two weeks since he told me he cheated. And I’m still having trouble resolving it. There’s a little Shannon inside me wanting to stand up and fight for everything the outer Shannon cannot. I’m hearing her say “he betrayed you”, “you can’t let him off that easy”, “don’t let him take you for granted”, “don’t trust him” and “you deserve better”. I want to listen to her so badly. But the Shannon living in my brain says let’s think about this carefully. Add the fact that I am a shit communicator. I find it so hard to clearly express what’s going on for me because most of the time, I don’t fucking know. What do I want from the relationship? Um, to feel wanted and to feel like a priority. What does that look like? I don’t fucking know. I feel it. It feels good. Just give it to me.
  • Connection. I want it. I crave it. I used to seek it from anyone I could and usually romantically. I would see if I could attract someone. I loved the challenge. And if I did pull them in, that’s how I felt valued. Once I got him, I would want to hold onto him just to prove to him and myself that I’m valuable. You don’t want to let me go because I’m amazing. You’ll see. And usually when the guy gave me the attention I was searching for I would use them to fill the void (of intimacy usually). If they didn’t, I’d become desperate. It’s been a part of me that I don’t love but it also fulfilled a part of me that was dangerously euphoric. Now, I’m looking for healthier ways to fill that piece of me but it’s been difficult. I keep looking for communities to belong and I just haven’t found the right one that’s aligned with all of my values. It’s like trying to date an entire community – they might not fit perfectly but can I really find the one? Am I being too picky?
  • Family. I used to joke around with my friends that I have a poor relationship with my family. I liked being able to say that the only communication between me and my family consisted of random notes, texts or one sentence exchanges. I’m really working hard to change that. For a long time, I think I was scared to get close to any of them. I think I’ve always avoided the potential of feeling the pain of a loss again. I lost my mom when I was 6 (technically 9 but she was in a coma for 2-ish years). Especially when I never saw the emotionally rewarding aspects of family connection. I still don’t see that part clearly but I’m willing to push through some of the uncomfortable feelings now. Last week, I took my dad to reflexology as a belated birthday/father’s day gift. I learned a bit more about him and my heart sank. He’s been such a strong dad and yet I’ve chosen to distance myself for all these years. I can’t say I can just talk to my dad easily because it sure as hell sucks and makes my stomach tie itself into a fistful of knots but I want to get over it. I want to see our relationship deepen. My estranged middle brother came home for a couple days from Japan and I know nothing about him. I know when his birthday is, I know he lives somewhere in Japan and only recently did I find out he has a consulting company for robotics and artificial intelligence (because I overheard my dad telling someone else). We have never been close but he is still my brother. He brought back these wafers from Japan and I decided to write him an email to thank him this morning. I awkwardly laugh about it because this was a big step for me. I didn’t want a response. I didn’t get one.

I think those are the big things going through my head. Mix in some work and working out (balancing my ideal schedule), spending time with Noelle and just eating properly, I’m about maxed out.