i did end up going to hang out with my friend and her son yesterday, which really helped take me away from the anxiety that i was feeling.
this morning i woke up angry. yesterday i did end up telling B that i needed space that day. i was still feeling beat up from the counseling session so i really did not want to add anything else on top of that. i did ask to connect with him via a phone call at night and it didn’t go quite as planned.
i think i want someone who is consistent. and this can show up in many ways. when B was showing up all the time wanting connection, he had so much patience. i told him on every occasion that i appreciated his patience. i noticed several times that could have been met with his usual impatience but it wasn’t, so i wanted to let him know. yesterday when we were talking on the phone, i was just sharing everything that came to my head. [side bar: he has asked me before to share what’s going on for me, no matter how poorly formed the thoughts were in my head.] i was talking about my day with D & L and how it’s interesting how kids develop. I had a thought that came into my head about another kid i knew, and he had problems with understanding the connection. on my end, i was just practicing sharing what was in my head, which was how a particular kid was being raised. but in his mind, the connection was unclear and he was becoming impatient trying to find the connection to understand. eventually i moved on from it and started talking about my conversation with the mortgage broker. he was telling me about his thoughts on the risk in investing in real estate nowadays with a potential crash in the market, and i started thinking about whether there has been a crash in the past or that it’s gone up exponentially. again, we had incongruencies with what we were talking about and he became impatient again. he did not understand how what i was saying was matching what he was saying. it became painful because the experience for me is that he is battling me and is very short, whereas all i wanted was connection.
it then began a discussion about what i wanted when i asked for the phone call. he asked if i just wanted to list items in my day and that was connection. it was late and i definitely know now that i did not want to spend my energy sorting out my thoughts so that he could understand it 100%. i told him several times that talking to the mortgage broker is just exploring my options so i don’t have any clear opinions or even enough information to form any unambiguous thoughts.
this forces me to get a little bit more clarity on what i want in a relationship. oh i also still have frustration about the last counseling session and feeling beat up from it. i feel like B was prepared and already knew what the counselor wanted to hear, whether he already discussed it in the past or because he discussed it with his personal counselor. so when he came to the session, he was well prepared with his thoughts whereas i just had a lot of hazy thoughts that i had not yet sorted. after feeling like i lost the battle, i have this need to prove myself, to have well-defined thoughts so they can’t beat me up again. i’m not sure if this is healthy or if i’m just trying to prove myself for a greater need, but it’s how i feel right now. i still feel like i’m outmatched but at least i’m willing to fight.
back to clarity. i think reliability and consistency is important to me in a relationship. i think i want to know that i can count on my partner. in our case, i think i want a consistent level of patience. i don’t like that it’s seemingly up to chance whether he will meet me with loving patience or tense impatience. i understand that people aren’t going to be the same all the time, but i think it feels like large swings. when i get large swings, i feel loved by the connection, and in opposition by the disconnection.
well if anything it feels good that i am sorting these thoughts out.